Title: With This Tear
Author: Mana
Email: celine1013@hotmail.com
Rating: PG
Keywords: MSR, songfic, character death
Spoilers: Season 8
Summary: What if Mulder had told Scully about his cancer?
Authors notes:This is a "What if" piece. What if Mulder did tell Scully about his cancer. What if she wasn't pregnant? What if he was never abducted? What if......
Feedback: There once was a girl named Mana!
Who rewrote the meaning of Fandom
She goes bezerk
and even smirks
When people write back in tandem
Disclaimer: I don't own Mulder and Scully. They belong to CC and 1013 oh yea and FOX! I also do not own the song "With this tear". Prince and Celine Dion own it!:) Thanks in advance for not suing me!

With This Tear

He reached out and took my hand from across the table. His fingers gently massaged mine as he looked into my eyes.
"You're so beautiful, you know that, right?" he asked.
I blushed and looked down as I shook my head. No one had ever been this, what's the word, open with me before. I mean men had told me that I was beautiful, but Mulder, he was very open about his feelings. I had always guessed that he would be that type of date but it floored me now that I was the person he was being so ummm... open with.
"Mulder..." I started to take my hand away.
He tightened his grip on my hand and his eyes bore into mine.
"Scully, you don't have to be afraid or scared or embarrassed. It's just me." He said.
Embarassed? Me? With Mulder. Never! And I wasn't scared. I just wasn't used to the public display of affection and, I mean, it was only out first "date-date."
"I'm not scared or afraid. And I'm certainly not embarrassed of you. I'm just not used to someone being so affectionate with me in public."
He smiled. "Well you don't have to worry about anyone watching us." He looked around and my eyes followed. He was right. All around couples were gazing at each other and holding hands. Each couple seemed to be in their own little bubble.
"Scully, can I ask you a personal question?" I nodded my head expecting a typical Mulder question like "Are you wearing underwear?" or "Are you a real redhead?". What I got was completely off the wall, even for Mulder.
"Why are you so afraid?" he asked.
I was taken aback, to say the least.
"Afraid? I'm not afraid Mulder. How can I be with what we work with everyday?"
"You know that's not what I mean. Why are you afraid of us?"
"Yea, I knew what you meant. I don't know, I guess I'm just afraid of rejection." I looked down.
Then an unexpected thing happened, Mulder started laughing. Laughing! At me! I looked up.
"Rejection!?!?! Scully, you actually think that I would reject you?" He saw my fear in my eyes and leaned over the table placing a hand on my cheek.
"You can rest assured that now that I have you, I will never ever ever leave you. You understand?" I nodded.
"I love you more than anything Scully. I would die for you. I'd walk through fire for you. I'd do anything. I love you." He assured me.
A single tear slipped down my cheek as I leaned across the table to lightly kiss his lips. "I love you too. I always will."

~3 months later~

I opened the door to my apartment and switched on the light. I was so tired. I had just spent hours on my feet doing an autopsy on a victim from our most recent case. All I could think about right now was falling into bed and sleeping.
I looked up when I heard a slight muffled sound coming from my bedroom. I took my gun out of my holster and walked quietly to my bedroom. The door was cracked open slightly and I peered in. Mulder was sitting on the side of my bed and he was crying. I rushed through the door and kneeled in front of him.
"Mulder are you ok? What's wrong?" I took his hands, now wet with tears, away from his face and held them in my hands.
"Scully, I don't know how to tell you this." He said and he looked down into my eyes.
"Mulder just tell me. Don't keep me waiting." I pleaded.
"I'm dying, Scully." He closed his eyes.
"What? You're dying? How? Why?" I couldn't think anymore. I crawled up and sat next to him on my bed.
"I, ummm, I have brain cancer. I'm dying. The doctors say that there isn't anything that they can do. Scully, I don't want to die now. I want to be with you. I mean we haven't even, well you know." He looked away.
"Oh Mulder." I gathered him up into my arms and let him cry on my shoulder. Before I knew it I had tears making their way down my face.

~7 months later~

"I'm sorry Ms. Scully, there's nothing else we can do. He's going to go soon. If I were you, Id notify the rest of the family so they can say their goodbyes." The doctor said, his words smothered with false sympathy.
"He has no family, but me." I said as I turned around and made my way back into the room.
I called the gunmen, my mother, and Skinner. They all came and waited with me for a while. Skinner was the first to leave. He said something about Mulder being a "damn good agent and friend" as he passed by me and went out the door. Then the gunmen had to leave because it was too hard for them. Yea, too hard for them. So there we were. Just me and my mom waiting for Mulder to either miraculously heal or die.
"I'm going to go get some coffee, Dana, do you want some?" She broke the silence that we had been bathed in for hours.
"No mom, I'm fine." I replied never taking my eyes away from Mulder's sleeping form.
"Ok, Ill be back soon." She kissed my cheek and made her way out into the hall.
I laid my head down on Mulders arm.
"Scuulleee" I heard a raspy voice. I looked up to see Mulder looking at me.
"Hey" I said putting on my fake smile.
"Scullyyy."He swallowed. "Scully, look on the bedside table. There's a book I want you to have. Get it."
I did as I was told and walked over to the other side of the bed to where the table was. Sure enough, there was a brown leather book on it.
"Open it." He said.
I opened it and saw that it was Mulders journal; only the entries had been addressed to me.
"Mulder, what is this?" I questioned looking up, meeting his sunken eyes.
"I wrote in that everyday. It says what I was feeling, about you, my cancer, everything. Mostly it's all stuff that I thought that we would do when I got out of here. Guess that's not going to happen, huh?" He tried to lighten the situation. It didn't work.
"Scully, I want you to read to me. Please." He looked at me with tears in his eyes. I couldn't say no. I sat down in my original chair and looked down at the page. I began reading.

Dear Scully,

God, I think I know what hell is like. I think I've just been through it and back. The first chemo treatment was today. I'll never forget that for as long as I live. I just hope that this treatment will help. I can't wait to get out of here, to go home to you. I was thinking a few minutes ago that maybe we can go on a vacation when I get out. Maybe down to Florida or maybe somewhere in Tennessee. My family has friends that lived there. We could rent a cabin and just spend time together. Wouldn't that be nice? I guess these are the only thoughts keeping me going. YOU are the only thing keeping me going. I love you. I always have, I always will. Oh man, that stupid night nurse just came in. She told me "Mr. Mulder, if you want to keep that strength of yours, then you need to get some rest." You think she was hitting on me. Eww...I hope not. She's not nearly as wonderful as you. No one will ever be.

Love always,

After a few minutes of reading entry after entry I asked,
"Do you want me to keep on reading?" I looked up and saw that Mulder's eyes were closed. I leaned over him and found that he wasn't breathing. He was gone. He had said he would never leave, but now he was gone. I laid my head next to his as the sobs overtook me.

~3 days later~

The funeral was over. He was truly gone. He was never coming back. I walked into my apartment in a daze. I kept thinking that any second now Mulder would come up behind me and put his arms around me or bug me for Chinese food. That never happened, it never would again.
I set my purse and keys down on the table and picked up Mulder's journal. I walked over to the stereo and turned it on, flipping it to one of my favorite CD's. I sat down on my couch and pulled a pillow into my lap as I held the journal to my chest. I listened to the quiet strains of music coming through the speakers. Then I heard her voice and listened intently.

With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant

You spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone

With this voice
I thee call
Sometimes I catch myself
Calling your name
When you're not there at all

Please tell me what I did wrong
Why must I hear your voice inside my head?
All day and all night long
It's not fair

With these arms
I held you
When you told me you were dying
I had less courage its true
And you wrote every day
Writing bout the things
That we could do
When your pain went away
But all that went away was you

With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant

With this tear
I thee want
I thee want
I thee want
I thee want

With this tear
I thee want
I long for you to talk to me like you did
That night in the restaurant

You spoke of love so openly
And again and again you promised me
That you'd never leave
But now you're gone

With this tear

By the time the song ended, the tears were coming freely. Mulder had been the only man I had ever truly loved. Now he was gone and I was alone. Alone, with this tear.